Tag Archives: marriage

AGAPE LOVE IN MARRIAGE

by Silvia Lia Leigh, MD

AGAPE LOVE IN MARRIAGE

Christian wives are commanded to love and submit to their husbands “as to the Lord”. To submit it means willingly allowing another person to have power, authority or control over you. The wife’s submission to her husband is a manifestation of worshipping Jesus, the Head of the Church and proves that God’s Word is true. “A wife should put her husband first, as she does the Lord” (Eph 5:22; CEV). Many wives misunderstand godly submission. They see it as a form of oppression or slavery in marriage. That is a mistake. When Paul wrote this letter, the women were treated as second class citizens, as property, first by their fathers and brothers, and later by their husbands. They now became born again. They became free from all bondages. They could behave and speak as they wished. Paul tells them that as free women in Christ they need to submit to their husbands. Foolish freedom leads to rebellion. The wife does not need to submit to all men. Her submission in this special manner is only to her husband. It is done willingly, lovingly, proving that she is a woman of God.

The best way to understand the act of submission is to see it displayed by our Lord. “And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done.” 43 Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him” (Lk 22:41-43). In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus prays to God the Father. There is a battle of wills. In His human desire Jesus tries to avoid the cup of pain, shame and suffering on the Cross. But as God’s Son, He wants to totally submit to God, to do God’s will to save men. He must become a sin to save sinners. God’s wrath against sin will fall on Jesus. Jesus understands obedience and sacrifice as part of God’s plan for salvation. By submitting to God’s will Jesus declares His total trust in God the Father. As Jesus prays, His disciples struggle to stay awake. This shows the weakness of the human body and mind.

HOW DOES CHRIST LOVES HIS CHURCH? CHRIST DOES NOT CONDEMN US!

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation [no guilty verdict, no punishment] for those who are in Christ Jesus [who believe in Him as personal Lord and Savior]” (Rom 8:1; AMP). Condemnation is a legal term, declaring that someone is evil and must go to hell. When someone is accused of a crime and comes before the judge, he is either condemned or he is vindicated from all charges. In Greek, the word ‘condemnation’ means guilty verdict, penalty and punishment. The word “now” shows the present reality of those who are saved. In the court, God, the Supreme Judge, declares that for Christ’ sake, the accused is not guilty of sin, and he must not be punished for it. Those who believe that Jesus died for them and took the punishment for their sins, are justified by grace and thru faith. This is a fact: there is no more condemnation for the believers in Christ. They have a new spiritual position and status because of their mystical unity with Christ. The Law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus brings them eternal life and freedom by the Holy Spirit. The believers are eternally free from the fear, guilt, shame and punishment of sin because of their faith in Christ crucified. This freedom is not given by merit. It is purely by grace!

In the setup of marriage, the husband and wife must stop condemning one another. If God does not condemn your spouse, you too should do the same! Condemnation is more than criticizing. When husband and wife speak negative words to each other, producing shame or guilt, they go against God’s Word that says there is no more condemnation for those who are saved. Husbands and wives, control your tongue. By insulting your spouse, you disobey God’s Law. That is dangerous. See each other as God’s children and spiritual heirs together with Christ. “Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak]” (Eph 4:29; AMP). The word ‘unwholesome’ means rotten fruit. Don’t speak negative, hurtful ugly words. Speak blessings! Speak Life!   

THE SIN AND WEAPON OF NAGGING

by Silvia Lia Leigh, MD

Nagging means to always find fault, to criticize, or to complain. It is to irritate another by constant urging him to do something. Nagging is persistent persuasion, more repetitive than aggressive. It is emotional harassment! It is a very common sin manifested in families. Nagging is an effective weapon the devil uses to tempt the Christians to backslide. Beware of its existence and power. How can you tell you might be nagging? If you’ve said the same thing 100 times, 100 different ways, and yet it doesn’t seem to be enough, that is nagging. Often those who nag are stubborn. They fight hard and strong, quick to voice their opinions. They have a strong need to be heard. They sincerely believe that their words are somehow benefiting the other person. Most people who nag don’t even realize they’re doing it. They think they are just trying to help others.

Nagging is a negative and controlling behavior and is a common sin in many marriages. For example, a nagging wife feels helpless; she wants her husband to stop smoking. She has a strong desire to control him. She behaves as if she is his mother. She is over-concerned with her husband’s behavior. She forgets that only God can change a man. Constant nagging can make the husband withdraw emotionally from her. The truth is that most women don’t like to nag unless they feel overwhelmed, unheard, overworked or being taken for granted. Nagging is not only a weakness of the women. Research has found that an equal number of men and women nag. For example, the nagging wife falsely assumes that she can change her husband’s behavior. She can say to him: ‘you don’t give me enough attention, or money. You don’t care about the children…’ The husband may say: ‘the house is always dirty. You always look unkept …’ They both forget that only God can truly change another’s heart. Most of the time, the wives nag because they feel ignored and not appreciated. Men nag because they are frustrated with their finances and businesses. They come home tired, become impatient with their wives and nag them.

“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” (PV 21:19; NIV). How does a wife become a nagging woman? During the period of dating, the wife seems nice and helpful. But something happened to her. Little by little, she becomes angry and starts losing her temper. She may apologize later but the episode repeats itself. She is trying to get his attention to solve a problem. If she is ignored, it becomes worse. The best thing a husband can do is to talk to her and give her his attention. Help her solve her problem. The earlier the better. Never disrespect her! Try to solve her problem with patience, love, and wisdom. “A quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof” (PV 19:13; NIV). The wife says: ‘you don’t love me’. This nagging plus tears is an effective weapon with men. Men do not like to see crying women around them. (For example, Samson’s wife and his lover, Delilah, both conquered him with nagging and tears!) “A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand” (PV 27:15,16). The weapon of nagging is a worldly weapon. Don’t use it! A mature marriage is free from nagging. Selah!

Nagging may also be a product of ungratefulness. A wife may never be satisfied with what the husband provides for her. Even if he helps with the house chores, washes her car, takes the family on vacations, she is never happy with him. She continues to nag him. A husband is never satisfied with his wife. No matter how much she takes care of the children, cleans the house, tries to keep herself fashionable, helps with the finances, he is never happy. He continues to nag her. This nagging may work in some offices. The boss nags his employees so that they work better. But nagging never helps families. Often, these homes are wrecked by the shameful sin of nagging! Nagging is unpleasant for both the wife and the husband! It tends to wear them down instead of building them up. It is spiritual poison to marriages and families. It’s a sin against love and indicates trouble in the relationship. It is more common than adultery as a reason for divorce. Selah!

Many parents struggle greatly with nagging their kids. Nagging can develop an inferiority complex in the child, and they may carry that into their adult lives. Nagging focuses on what a person is NOT DOING! It has a negative focus. It overlooks the positive. Nagging points out all the things that are wrong with the child and implies that he (or she) is not worthy because he has not done certain tasks. The child may feel angry towards the parent for nagging, which may result in drawing back emotionally. After some time, the child simply stops listening. The more you nag, the less he will hear you. Also, children are naturally born naggers. They too nag their parents to have their way!

The primary effect of nagging is resentment on both sides of the relationship. Resentment is a buildup of negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and disappointment. Resentment is a chronic, strong and painful feeling of bitterness when one has offended you. Resentment lasts for years. It is like the strong roots of a tree, very hard to uproot. It doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy on your soul. The nagger feels resentment for “always having to” nag the other person to “get everything done.” The person being nagged feels resentment for never being left alone to do as he sees fit. The person who nags never feels that the other person takes responsibility, but he never gives him responsibility. Meanwhile the person being nagged never feels truly independent, because he is never being given the chance to act independently and responsibly. It is a vicious circle. Forgiveness for Christ’ sake is the only way to be free from resentment.

Nagging is twin to grumbling. It affects prayers. Jesus said: “And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words” (Matt 6:7). A religious unbeliever thinks that God needs persuasion to answer. He tells himself: ‘if I pray 5 prayers, God may ignore me. But if I pray 100 prayers, God will answer me’. For them, prayer is manipulation. They think that God does not understand. Therefore, they need to mechanically repeat the prayer, nagging God! They clearly do not know God!

How to stop nagging? Nagging is sin. It destroys the peace, love and romance in a marriage. Repent! Be filled with the Holy Spirit. Learn to listen to yourself. Control your emotions and your tongue. Pray before you talk. Choose the right words, the right tone, the right time, and the right attitude. Do not repeat a complaint more than 2 times. This is wisdom: accept things that you cannot change. Be an encourager!